I overthink everything, including this title
From the minute I wake up to the moment I lay my head on my pillow to go to sleep – I overthink everything. Did I take too long to tell that story and annoy everyone? How many files did I mess up today? What if I accidentally hurt someone’s feelings? How will I make it up to them? I really want to write about ____, but is that really a good idea?
It never stops. I try so hard to just relax and go with the flow because that’s what everyone says you’re supposed to do, right? That’s just never really worked for me. I’m an anxious person. Always have been, and kind of starting to believe that I always will be. The good thing is that I can function with it. I’m so used to the habits my anxiety created way back when I was a little kid that now I just sort of work hand in hand with them.
Now, I said I can function. That doesn’t mean my overthinking doesn’t get in the way sometimes.
I’m not kidding when I say that every time a friend leaves my apartment or I’m heading home from a day with them, I have to actively fight not to go into a thought spiral of ‘was today the day I ruined this friendship’? The girls in my life are incredible and have never been anything but supportive, patient, and kind.
Sometimes I’ll work myself up into a panic by overthinking every single thing I said over the course of three hours and nitpicking what words I chose. I’m working really hard to get over that because at my core I do trust my friends, and it’s not fair to them when I basically need constant reassurance that they still like me.
My job is relatively straightforward, but naturally, I’ve found a way to make it more complicated than it never needed to be. When you start overthinking, you tend to second guess and that’s definitely no good when you’re paid to work as quickly and efficiently as possible. Literally, I’m timed the second I open a file, so I can’t afford to go back and forth.
Most days the fear of not making my quota can override the nagging thoughts, but there are definitely times when I catch myself slowing way down. When that happens, I try to take a minute to relax, whether that means taking my break or just slowing my breathing and forcing myself to go with my gut. When I can’t let myself make a decision, I ask a question instead.
I’ve always loved to write. My mom has a short story I wrote when I was 5 or 6 called, wait for it, ‘The Stick Man’. I’m cringing just thinking about it. In middle school, I got super into poetry with my best friend at the time. Whatever you’re imagining, add 10x the angst and you’re probably pretty close. I used to think of characters all the time and get lost in stories about them in my head.
Once I started blogging, I fell in love with it. I love being able to talk about anything I want to and publish it for anyone to read. I love that I can have my own little corner on the internet to share my thoughts, and I love that I never have to get bored. It’s not like writing a novel where everything needs to tie in together. I can talk about my wheelchair one day and Disney the next. Which is great because I’m excited about so many things and I want to ramble about all of them.
sometimes i avoid writing because i hate the constant self doubt while actually writing. love the feeling of finishing and publishing, lowkey hate everything in between.
— Karly (@hikarlyjoy) May 20, 2018
Every time I go to start a post, though, I immediately start to over think it. This is actually a pretty new thing for me, though. I think when I first started this blog I was just so excited to start that my brain didn’t have time to start analyzing it. It just needed to get the words out and go. Now that it’s been almost a year, it’s just a constant stream of ‘does this make sense for my blog? Does anyone want to read this? What if this looks weird? Are people going to laugh if I post this?’
At the end of the day, my blog has room for anything and everything I want to post. Obviously, I want people to enjoy my content, but it’s just as much for me as it is for the people who read my blog. If I want to talk about something it shouldn’t be that complicated. I should just go ahead and talk about it.
I could keep going, but I think you get the picture.
My mind has a habit of being a jumbled, muddled mess that likes to make me stressed and sweaty. I’m trying to pay attention to my unhealthy habits so I can start making changes. I want to start by letting myself get a little more creative with the things I write instead of worrying about what I ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ post.
Everything shouldn’t be so complicated and I definitely shouldn’t spend hours overthinking every tiny thing in my life. Baby steps, right?