I’m in a rut
We’re already almost halfway through August and guys… I am in a rut. Big time. I originally wanted to write an update on how I’m doing with my 2018 goals, but then I came to the realization that I haven’t really accomplished anything. Like, at all.
No matter how I try to reason with myself, it’s still a crummy feeling. I hate the feeling of being stuck. I want to be moving towards something always, mostly because I’ve never really felt content with where I am. As a kid, I hated being in school and wanted to have a job. Then it was being unemployed and wanting to get my family out of a tough spot. Now it’s wanting to have a decent career and creative projects.
My goals have stayed fairly small and what I’ve always considered to be realistically attainable. I’ve known people who have outrageous plans that somehow work out, which I think makes it sting a little more when I look at my (lack of) accomplishments.
If life were a movie, there’d probably be some really cool montage right about now to showcase how motivated I am and how I’d do absolutely anything to make my dreams come true.
But well, life isn’t a movie and that’s not how things are going.
Instead, I come home from work, throw on PJ’s and watch tv until I can go to sleep. Most days, anything more than that feels like more of a strain than my mind can take. After my shift, I’m so drained that I need to just check out from reality for a while.
That’s not to say I haven’t tried to snap out of it. I’ve got about seven posts shelved because either I couldn’t finish them or I absolutely hated them once I did. Perfectionism… ain’t it charming?
With everything in my life sort of feeling ‘meh’, I’ve put so much extra pressure on myself to write better and more interesting posts. I’ve got my entire month planned out for everything I want to publish, but I’m having a hard time not second guessing everything. All of my ideas, all of my drafts, and pretty much everything I do manage to post, too.
Plus, there’s been a lot to be stressed out for a while, and I don’t really need to get into all of that right now, but it’s just taking up a lot of my brain space. I’ve only got room for so much, and it’s a real bummer that sometimes it feels like these posts have to take the back seat so I can focus on my job or being with friends and family. You know, when I’m not battling existential dread. Just kidding…. kind of.
So yeah, big time rut.
I am still working towards all of my 2018 goals, it’s just been painfully slow going. Looking at the calendar is like torturing myself. With each passing week it feels increasingly unlikely I’ll finish everything I set out to do. But I’m human, and I’m trying to remember that everyone goes through slow phases where they’re not as productive or feel like they’re at a standstill.
It’s not exciting, but that’s my life at the moment.