Feeling burned out
I don’t know if it’s writers back or stress or boredom or all of the above, but I’m burned out. Writing is something I love, but it’s something I really overthink. And that takes a lot of the fun out of it.
This is nothing new. Everyone who knows me knows that I’m a planner and a perfectionist. I always want to know all the “rules” so I can follow them just as I’m supposed to. Lately it feels like everyone was handed all the rules but me. Like clearly if I was doing everything right, things would be going better?
And then once I start spiraling, I have to stop myself and remember something. I’m not here to build a brand. I mean, clearly. I don’t know how to and I don’t have the kind of numbers or engagement to even if I wanted to. So why do I get so nitpicky over this? I have no problems posting on Twitter or Instagram, but I hold this little page of mine to a completely different standard. So much so that I have started to dread trying to finish a post.
I hate that, because I love writing. And I’m literally ruining it for myself. For no reason.
Last month I hit my breaking point. Again, nothing new. I think every writer hits a moment where they feel burned out at least once a year, if not way more often. Okay, no clue if that’s actually true but I’m just going to assume it is to make myself feel better. Normally I try to push past it, but this time felt different. So, I let myself post less the past several weeks and gave myself time to think about the kind of things I want to make.
I love being an advocate (or trying my best to be) but it’s draining sometimes. The news and the things that become a topic of conversation in the disabled community can often be incredibly heavy. And while I never want to stop bringing attention to these things, I need to find a healthier balance. It can’t be my only focus.
I wanted to (well, still do) show the world that disabled people can be happy and live normal and fulfilling lives. That’s why I started this blog, it’s why I post pictures of myself with my wheelchair prominently showing. And don’t get me wrong – talking about the struggles our community faces is incredibly important and I’ll never stop. But I think I’ve gotten tunnel vision recently and it’s become all I think about.
Which is just… not great for anyone’s mental health.
I’ve spent weeks thinking about what I want to do with my blog, and even debated whether to keep updating it or take it down completely. But I really do love to work on these posts and I’m proud of this little slice of the internet I’ve created. While it might feel like a relief to give it up initially, I know I’d regret it in the long run.
But do I have any idea what exactly I do want to do? Not really, not yet anyway.
On any other outlet, I’m fine to just talk about whatever comes to mind. That’s what I want me writing to be like – to just go wherever my mood and interests take me. I’m not an “influencer” or anything but a random nerd in Florida.
I just know that I’m tired of putting so much pressure on myself that the things I love are no longer enjoyable. So, when I want to write something – I’m just going to write it. Whether or not it “fits” with the rest of my content. For the most part, I’ll still be writing the same kind of content you’re used to seeing – disability, mental health, and general life updates. I’m just hoping to branch out a bit! Get a little more creative, show some other sides of me. I’m disabled, but that’s not all I am.
It’s going to take some time for me to figure out what kinds of things I enjoy writing. And I’m excited to just play around and experiment! That being said: I obviously still care about what you’d like to see here, and I’m always open to new ideas. If there’s anything you’ve ever wondered about disability, muscular dystrophy, or me in general – let me know! So, I’m not entirely sure where any of this is headed, but I appreciate everyone who’s sticking it out with me. We’ll figure it out together.