Confession: I have no idea what I’m doing
May is mental health awareness month, and I wanted to write this really meaningful, impactful post. It’d be great to talk about my anxiety, depression, and general struggles to human – and how I’ve overcome them. Problem is… I haven’t.
Surprise! I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.
At all. Not a single clue.
When I was a kid, I thought by the time I was this age I’d have it all figured out. I’d have a career, my own place, maybe be in love. Instead, I’ve got a temp job, I’m still painfully single, and at any given time, you can find me in a state of panic, exhaustion, or general moodiness.
I’ve spent the last few weeks completely overwhelmed. To start it all off, I got sick. Not even bad sick, just like one day of throwing up. It took over 3 weeks to get my body back to a somewhat normal place, and even now I don’t really feel like I’m at 100%. For a while, I was getting terrible migraines that would just completely ruin me and have my day come to a screeching halt. I can safely say that going to work while sick is one of the absolute worst experiences. Yanno, for a privileged white girl.
I’ve been trying to find a balance between keeping my body hydrated enough that I don’t get migraines but not too hydrated that I’m miserable at work unable to go to the bathroom. It sounds so simple, but it has been a daily struggle for me.
Being sick makes me incredibly anxious, and being anxious makes me physically sick as well, so it’s not a great state to be in while trying to learn new assignments at work. Especially because I’m still not very confident at my job.
There’s an immense level of pressure I’ve put on myself to keep this position. I waited so long for it and I still feel like I could lose it any day. Every morning I start my shift hoping that I make it one more day without screwing up and getting fired. Realistically, I probably have no reason worry right now. But, all I can think is that I have no backup plan. It took me two years to land this job, how long will it take me next time?
And then there’s just the constant wondering ‘what am I doing?’. Wishing I knew where I’m headed and if I’m making the right decisions. Am I ever going to make enough money to live comfortably? Will I ever get married? Will I ever see more of the world? Etc etc. I’m basically in the middle of a quarter life crisis, guys. That’s where I’m at.
It’s a shame it’s not fueling me to do cool things or be super productive. Most days I’m just sad and/or tired, so I am really missing my ambition.
I guess I failed at writing something helpful or meaningful, but that’s how it goes sometimes. Sometimes we’ve only got it in us to skate by. To stick to our routine and nothing more. Self care isn’t always enough but maybe you don’t know what you need either. Some people need medication or therapy, others need a break or a big life change. Some people need all of the above and some people just need to wait it out.
It’s okay not to know and it’s okay to not have it figured out. When mental health is discussed, there’s always this theme of “getting better” but that can leave you feeling like you’re doing something wrong when it’s been six months and you don’t feel like you ARE getting better.
For a lot of people, mental illness is a lifelong thing. It can be more about learning to cope, learning what you need and how to take care of yourself, and accepting that there is no perfect fix.
I don’t know what all I should be doing for myself right now, but I’ll figure it out.